Messy Courage

I feel more normal. Less crazy. How many nights did I lay awake wondering? Questioning? He loves me. He loves me not. Constantly, you reassured me. Everytime I asked. I love you. I want you. I want to be with you. But I felt crazy. You reassured that too. Something's wrong with me. I've lived that identity my entire life. No more. Nothing's wrong with me. Never was. The lie is not the truth.

divorce I hate that word. My heart cringes. divorced That's what I'll be. It feels dirty. Like a stain that can't be removed. Or a used up rag. And I feel everything. I mostly keep asking God where the hell He's been. Then my mind reminds my heart. God isn't in the event. But He is in the response to the event. The love. The kindness. The support. He is always in the response. He's just not responsible. Because what kind of father would He be if He took away our free will?

These waves are only waves. I've gotten really good at riding the waves. highs & lows Head above the water. Then I got Remy's first birthday pictures. Head under water. The waves took over. Slammed my body against the rocks. Violently tossed me around. Kept me from breathing. These are sweet memories. But there is so much heaviness too. I want to turn it all off. But Tay, these waves are only waves.   Photos by Tatum Olson Photography

I feel lonely. The loneliest I've ever felt. My heart is in such a state of turmoil. confusion uncertainty And I'm lonely. My person isn't my person anymore. I know I'm loved. I'm surrounded by my own warrior tribe. But no one gets it. He's the only one I want to talk to. And I'm lonely. What if he wants me back? My heart takes over finding any excuse to justify being with him. Because forever doesn't just change. How is it supposed to? Please. Someone tell me. I don't understand. How can it be anyone else? Yes. I was young. I was naive. I was stubborn. But every single moment I really loved him. With every bone in my body. And I meant it when I said til death. ___________________________ Peace. Freedom from turmoil. That's all my heart hopes for anymore. "and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding , will guard your hearts and your minds...

I can't believe it's almost May. Time doesn't slow down for anyone. It doesn't speed up either. I struggled for a while with wanting to go back. Searching for the moment it all changed. But I still don't know. I miss you. I haven't let myself acknowledge that until recently. I miss your company. Your jokes. Your friendship. Your arms that held me. Your vulnerability. Your kisses. Hundreds and hundreds of nights I memorized your face. Just in case I ever lost you. And now it's burned in my mind. The pain, it's changed from sharp to dull. My heart just aches. Aches for what was. Aches for what could have been. Aches for familiarity. But I don't want to go back anymore. There's nothing there but ruins and sharp objects. But I miss you.

Remington will be one in a week. Things were so different at this time last year. You were taking care of me. I thought February was hard. But it's April now. And the wave I've been riding just slammed me into a rock. Bullshit. You've called bullshit on the last 9 years. How was something so real to me, nonsense to you? You made me the main character in your story. But you didn't tell me it was an act. Not until it was over. And still, I love you. I can't help it. Things were so different last year. And this is more painful than I was expecting it to be.

Today was good. The sun was out. The weather was nice. I did something spontaneous and got my nose pierced. It felt good to do something I wanted to do. I've been restless lately. I'm uncomfortable all the time. Crawl out of your skin uncomfortable. I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm anxious for the future. It's completely unknown for the first time. And that's exciting.