Messy Courage

Today was good. The sun was out. The weather was nice. I did something spontaneous and got my nose pierced. It felt good to do something I wanted to do. I've been restless lately. I'm uncomfortable all the time. Crawl out of your skin uncomfortable. I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm anxious for the future. It's completely unknown for the first time. And that's exciting.

Two wrongs don't make a right. They aren't supposed to. It felt right, being with you. I believed it was right. You told me it was. Hope blurred my vision. Hope saw the best in you. Hope carried me when you wouldn't. Now, hope has me moving on. The grief and the anger I feel is unreal. I am still appalled and confused. The past 9 years has been playing in my mind on an endless loop. And I can't change the fucking channel. Sometimes I feel deep sorrow as it plays. Mostly, I feel foolish. I let you in. I let you trample all over me. I let you tear me down. I let you shrink my confidence. I let you use me. But I will be better because of you. You've taught me that I am worth more. And that I am strong. And a badass. Looking back, it was always wrong. And two wrongs don't make a right. Except we did.

I know I didn't do everything right. I have my own shit to take responsibility for. But I did a lot right. I did marriage right. Because you left with pieces of me. Pieces of my heart that I will never get back. There's this strange emptiness that feels wrong. My identity has been ripped to shreds. Not that you were the reason for my breathing. But you were a part of it. Who am I? I'm no longer who I was. a confidant a best friend a lover a wife I was good at being those things. Then one day, it stops. How are you supposed to just stop?

I know I'm not the only one who has felt this. The heaviness. The pressure. The internal pull of the weight of it all. It usually feels like my chest is going to collapse. But it never does. The moment always passes. I've had a few moments today. But the sun is shining. And I love sunshine.

"Hope" is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all - And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard - And sore must be the storm - That could abash the little Bird That kept so many warm - I've heard it in the chilliest land - And on the strangest Sea - Yet - never - in Extremity, It asked a crumb - of me. -EMILY DICKINSON

11 freaking months. My emotions seem to be in and out of a state of chaos. His daddy should be here. I shouldn't be celebrating these milestones alone. It breaks my heart. As much as I would like to cut him out of my life, I can't. Because of this little boy. My little gift. And those photos. 9 years of memories. Burned in my mind and saved on the cloud. I want to forget, but I don't. We were a family once. For a while. So my heart hurts as I learn to let go. Remember the sweet and the bitter and the sour and the spicy. Remember it all.

It's been 18 days since you left. 18 days that seem like a lifetime. Exulansis (n.) the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it. This. It's isolating and lonely. How are you supposed to talk about heartbreaking, dark things? The real heartache and pain that divorce causes. All the feelings. saddness relief anger nostalgia rejection confusion This isn't how it was supposed to be. We had 9 years together. A third of my life. You were my person. I chose you. I forgave you. I encouraged you. I fought for you. I hoped for you. I confided in you. I let you in and gave you my heart. I loved you with everything. I still don't understand, and I'm not sure I ever will. So here I am, continuing on with my life. I can't stop, and I refuse to get stuck. It's messy and imperfect, but I will have courage. Even in my brokenness.