Messy Courage

I feel more normal. Less crazy. How many nights did I lay awake wondering? Questioning? He loves me. He loves me not. Constantly, you reassured me. Everytime I asked. I love you. I want you. I want to be with you. But I felt crazy. You reassured that too. Something's wrong with me. I've lived that identity my entire life. No more. Nothing's wrong with me. Never was. The lie is not the truth.

divorce I hate that word. My heart cringes. divorced That's what I'll be. It feels dirty. Like a stain that can't be removed. Or a used up rag. And I feel everything. I mostly keep asking God where the hell He's been. Then my mind reminds my heart. God isn't in the event. But He is in the response to the event. The love. The kindness. The support. He is always in the response. He's just not responsible. Because what kind of father would He be if He took away our free will?

These waves are only waves. I've gotten really good at riding the waves. highs & lows Head above the water. Then I got Remy's first birthday pictures. Head under water. The waves took over. Slammed my body against the rocks. Violently tossed me around. Kept me from breathing. These are sweet memories. But there is so much heaviness too. I want to turn it all off. But Tay, these waves are only waves.   Photos by Tatum Olson Photography