Messy Courage

My very own D Day. divorce day The judge "dissolved" the marriage. Like adding salt to hot water. Like it's nothing. It's the final nail in the coffin. a funeral closure As much closure as I'll get. But I'm not buried in that coffin. And I won't go dig it up. It's done.

It's October. I usually love this time of year. Just doesn't feel the same. I was high from not feeling so low. And now I've come down. reality And I just feel shitty. tired heavy blah I'm still good. happy grateful excited But reality. I've got a long ways to go. I'm learning when to let go. or lean in or lay down trust and patience This is my character building.

I started school today. And things felt fresh. refreshing new Then driving home I remembered. I don't have anyone to share this journey with. It's just me. So here I am. Sharing how today brought me joy. hope. excitement. Today I remembered. Scattered memories. The good ones. But my body feels it. in my bones A dull ache. I'm learning to let go. Let it all go. There's no wishing it away. Can't go there. This is a part of me. These memories are in my bones.

My greatest obstacle? Myself. I get inside my own head. daydreaming romanticizing questioning doubting I've always second guessed myself. my motives my methods Introspective I suppose. It's been this way with my faith. With my identity. Every time I step out, in vulnerability in encouragement in pursuit of my dreams I host a private belittling bash for myself. That sounded stupid. Did you just say that for attention? No one cares about that, Taylor. You overshare. That's not your purpose. But God is faithful. And God is good. He's been rebuilding my confidence. With every vulnerable moment. With every word of encouragement. With every song. With every thought. He's acknowledging me. my questions my intentions my feelings my desires Sweetly reminding me of what my spirit understands. He sees me. Light breaking through the clouds. new easy light refreshing ...

Tipping point. Pivotal moment. Turn of the tide. Whatever you wanna call it. How long I've hoped to be here. And on this day. 08/06 I've been dreading this day. Eight years. But I've reached that place. A sort of limbo. Resting on a mountaintop. I can see where I've been. But I'm not there anymore. And on this day. This anniversary that is no longer an anniversary. How significant. Overwhelming relief. that I'm out that I can breathe Deep grief. for all I lost for dead dreams Tipping point. Pivotal moment. Turn of the tide. I'm finally here. Looking ahead. Moving forward. Excited. to be happy to dream to live to thrive

Breathe. in deep out I feel light. relief hope different I have compassion. for myself young & innocent for myself fully aware I have grace and mercy for her. I am still sad. grieving rebuilding relearning But I am happy & excited. for what's next for things I've never had I am letting myself dream again. dreams I gave up on I am allowing myself to be foolishly hopeful. for things I want I am expecting restoration. beautiful redemption Whatever that looks like.

It's not fair. I didn't choose this. Someone else pulled the string that's unravelled my world. It's not fair. I'm a single parent. The long nights and short days are all mine. The fevers. The snuggles. The drool. The kisses. The hitting. The hugs. The discipline. The responsibility. All mine. It's not fair. I've been used and taken advantage of. I was selfless and gave everything. I got nothing in return. It's not fair. I'm living at home in my late twenties. Dependant. It's not fair. Nothing's fair. That's not stopping me. I refuse to get stuck. I will not live in self pity. It's an ugly place to be. It makes an ugly person. Life isn't fair. For anyone. This is just what I've been handed. And you'd better believe something beautiful is coming.