Messy Courage

like downward gusts of wind that strip away and drain the essence of you heavier with each blast sad..no angry irritable numb just existing so why do the things brush my teeth do the dishes take the overflowing trash out get out of bed eat depression sneaky little bitch has stayed too long

The floor and cabinets and walls and I are too familiar. Always faithful to hold my weight. It’s just another day. A little rainy Thursday. Mood to fit. I slept wrong so my arm hurts. Still adjusting to being back at work. Remy is too. Maybe it’s the culmination of it all. I am tired. All the time. And today I’m on the floor. Overwhelmed. Sad but grateful. How did I end up here? Another question without a satisfactory answer. It’s never how you think it’s gonna be. Your life. At least mine hasn’t been. But I wouldn’t change it. I am also wondering if and when I’ll run out of gas. Good thing these cabinets and this floor can hold the heaviness.

It's been a while. Life is good. Moving on is good. Change is good. But the trauma of life's events has left deep wounds. Wounds I thought were healed. What I believe for others I haven't believed for myself. you are worthy you deserve the sun and moon and stars past is past all the good is ahead of you yours for the taking dream girl Now a new reality is blooming. the deep lingering shit comes up and out forgotten things ugly thoughts all the words spoken over me I believed it all for so long. It's like muscle memory. lies lies lies Time to let the truth come flooding in. Wrecking everything. head and heart I deserve the sun and moon and stars. I deserve what my heart has always wanted. I deserve to be loved and adored and taken care of. I'm not foolish for having dreams. Not because I'm good or good enough. But because of Jesus. Because of what He did. He made a way for me t...

January was a restless month. for my body for my soul And it's actually February. The month that I dread. Four years ago. Superbowl Sunday. My life fell apart. One year ago. The month everything capsized. And today it all came up. And then out at the Father's feet. Lean in. Feel it. Release it. It's February. It's Superbowl Sunday. This year will be different. February will be redeemed. A year ago, I didn't understand how I'd make it. But I here. I made it.

My very own D Day. divorce day The judge "dissolved" the marriage. Like adding salt to hot water. Like it's nothing. It's the final nail in the coffin. a funeral closure As much closure as I'll get. But I'm not buried in that coffin. And I won't go dig it up. It's done.

It's October. I usually love this time of year. Just doesn't feel the same. I was high from not feeling so low. And now I've come down. reality And I just feel shitty. tired heavy blah I'm still good. happy grateful excited But reality. I've got a long ways to go. I'm learning when to let go. or lean in or lay down trust and patience This is my character building.

I started school today. And things felt fresh. refreshing new Then driving home I remembered. I don't have anyone to share this journey with. It's just me. So here I am. Sharing how today brought me joy. hope. excitement. Today I remembered. Scattered memories. The good ones. But my body feels it. in my bones A dull ache. I'm learning to let go. Let it all go. There's no wishing it away. Can't go there. This is a part of me. These memories are in my bones.

My greatest obstacle? Myself. I get inside my own head. daydreaming romanticizing questioning doubting I've always second guessed myself. my motives my methods Introspective I suppose. It's been this way with my faith. With my identity. Every time I step out, in vulnerability in encouragement in pursuit of my dreams I host a private belittling bash for myself. That sounded stupid. Did you just say that for attention? No one cares about that, Taylor. You overshare. That's not your purpose. But God is faithful. And God is good. He's been rebuilding my confidence. With every vulnerable moment. With every word of encouragement. With every song. With every thought. He's acknowledging me. my questions my intentions my feelings my desires Sweetly reminding me of what my spirit understands. He sees me. Light breaking through the clouds. new easy light refreshing ...

Tipping point. Pivotal moment. Turn of the tide. Whatever you wanna call it. How long I've hoped to be here. And on this day. 08/06 I've been dreading this day. Eight years. But I've reached that place. A sort of limbo. Resting on a mountaintop. I can see where I've been. But I'm not there anymore. And on this day. This anniversary that is no longer an anniversary. How significant. Overwhelming relief. that I'm out that I can breathe Deep grief. for all I lost for dead dreams Tipping point. Pivotal moment. Turn of the tide. I'm finally here. Looking ahead. Moving forward. Excited. to be happy to dream to live to thrive

Breathe. in deep out I feel light. relief hope different I have compassion. for myself young & innocent for myself fully aware I have grace and mercy for her. I am still sad. grieving rebuilding relearning But I am happy & excited. for what's next for things I've never had I am letting myself dream again. dreams I gave up on I am allowing myself to be foolishly hopeful. for things I want I am expecting restoration. beautiful redemption Whatever that looks like.

It's not fair. I didn't choose this. Someone else pulled the string that's unravelled my world. It's not fair. I'm a single parent. The long nights and short days are all mine. The fevers. The snuggles. The drool. The kisses. The hitting. The hugs. The discipline. The responsibility. All mine. It's not fair. I've been used and taken advantage of. I was selfless and gave everything. I got nothing in return. It's not fair. I'm living at home in my late twenties. Dependant. It's not fair. Nothing's fair. That's not stopping me. I refuse to get stuck. I will not live in self pity. It's an ugly place to be. It makes an ugly person. Life isn't fair. For anyone. This is just what I've been handed. And you'd better believe something beautiful is coming.

I'm at the beach. Burying my ass in the sand. And it's everywhere. I love it here. It's not quiet but it's peaceful. And we all know I need more peace. My life has been chaotic. painful. lonely. exhausting. stressful. I've been angry and confused. Hurt and rejected. Beaten down to the point of shrinking back. I have let everyone else tell me who I am. Or who I'm not. And I've believed them. Well I started a book today. Tailor Made by Alex Seeley It's about identity. So here I am. At the beach. Tired of the last five months.  I'm not sure I was ready until now. To put all the words spoken over me to rest. To change how I view myself and others. But it's time. I asked God. Who am I? I listed everything that's been said by others. You... are annoying are too loud talk too much need more compassion are intimidating are a piece of shit I listed other t...

It's 8am. I've been up for an hour. hurting grieving heartbroken The babe in my arms is as close to comfort as I can get. And it's not much. This whole "grieving a living person" deal is shit. It's not fair. But I'm doing it. One step at a time. "It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot I see this every morning. Something I wrote on a chalkboard. I didn't write it for me. At least, not at the time. Amid the pain and heartache, I've made a decision. It's my turn now.

What's wrong with me? This question has circled my identity. Like the moon orbits the earth. Sometimes it pulls at my heart. Other times there's no trace of it. What's wrong with me? But really, someone tell me. You're not good enough. You talk too much. You're obnoxious. You're too loud. You're too emotional. You're too opinionated. You're not as pretty. You're a bitch. You're too much. So it's been said. Second choice. Second option. Second best. There's always something better. __________ I know that all of this isn't true. But I have believed it over and over. This is how I've felt my entire life. Worthless. At my core. __________ So someone tell me. What's right with me?

Sometimes hope hurts. And I don't like hurting. Hope is dangerous. It requires vulnerability. A soft heart. Want to fix this? My heart lept. Hope sparked. But my hope and reality don't mix. Reality doused that flame. And I hurt. Right now, I'm tired of hoping. Because I'm hoping for what cannot be. My heart is heavy. My body is weak. My mind is spent. Jesus.

I feel more normal. Less crazy. How many nights did I lay awake wondering? Questioning? He loves me. He loves me not. Constantly, you reassured me. Everytime I asked. I love you. I want you. I want to be with you. But I felt crazy. You reassured that too. Something's wrong with me. I've lived that identity my entire life. No more. Nothing's wrong with me. Never was. The lie is not the truth.

divorce I hate that word. My heart cringes. divorced That's what I'll be. It feels dirty. Like a stain that can't be removed. Or a used up rag. And I feel everything. I mostly keep asking God where the hell He's been. Then my mind reminds my heart. God isn't in the event. But He is in the response to the event. The love. The kindness. The support. He is always in the response. He's just not responsible. Because what kind of father would He be if He took away our free will?

These waves are only waves. I've gotten really good at riding the waves. highs & lows Head above the water. Then I got Remy's first birthday pictures. Head under water. The waves took over. Slammed my body against the rocks. Violently tossed me around. Kept me from breathing. These are sweet memories. But there is so much heaviness too. I want to turn it all off. But Tay, these waves are only waves.   Photos by Tatum Olson Photography

I feel lonely. The loneliest I've ever felt. My heart is in such a state of turmoil. confusion uncertainty And I'm lonely. My person isn't my person anymore. I know I'm loved. I'm surrounded by my own warrior tribe. But no one gets it. He's the only one I want to talk to. And I'm lonely. What if he wants me back? My heart takes over finding any excuse to justify being with him. Because forever doesn't just change. How is it supposed to? Please. Someone tell me. I don't understand. How can it be anyone else? Yes. I was young. I was naive. I was stubborn. But every single moment I really loved him. With every bone in my body. And I meant it when I said til death. ___________________________ Peace. Freedom from turmoil. That's all my heart hopes for anymore. "and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding , will guard your hearts and your minds...

I can't believe it's almost May. Time doesn't slow down for anyone. It doesn't speed up either. I struggled for a while with wanting to go back. Searching for the moment it all changed. But I still don't know. I miss you. I haven't let myself acknowledge that until recently. I miss your company. Your jokes. Your friendship. Your arms that held me. Your vulnerability. Your kisses. Hundreds and hundreds of nights I memorized your face. Just in case I ever lost you. And now it's burned in my mind. The pain, it's changed from sharp to dull. My heart just aches. Aches for what was. Aches for what could have been. Aches for familiarity. But I don't want to go back anymore. There's nothing there but ruins and sharp objects. But I miss you.