Messy Courage

The floor and cabinets and walls and I are too familiar. Always faithful to hold my weight. It’s just another day. A little rainy Thursday. Mood to fit. I slept wrong so my arm hurts. Still adjusting to being back at work. Remy is too. Maybe it’s the culmination of it all. I am tired. All the time. And today I’m on the floor. Overwhelmed. Sad but grateful. How did I end up here? Another question without a satisfactory answer. It’s never how you think it’s gonna be. Your life. At least mine hasn’t been. But I wouldn’t change it. I am also wondering if and when I’ll run out of gas. Good thing these cabinets and this floor can hold the heaviness.

It's been a while. Life is good. Moving on is good. Change is good. But the trauma of life's events has left deep wounds. Wounds I thought were healed. What I believe for others I haven't believed for myself. you are worthy you deserve the sun and moon and stars past is past all the good is ahead of you yours for the taking dream girl Now a new reality is blooming. the deep lingering shit comes up and out forgotten things ugly thoughts all the words spoken over me I believed it all for so long. It's like muscle memory. lies lies lies Time to let the truth come flooding in. Wrecking everything. head and heart I deserve the sun and moon and stars. I deserve what my heart has always wanted. I deserve to be loved and adored and taken care of. I'm not foolish for having dreams. Not because I'm good or good enough. But because of Jesus. Because of what He did. He made a way for me t

January was a restless month. for my body for my soul And it's actually February. The month that I dread. Four years ago. Superbowl Sunday. My life fell apart. One year ago. The month everything capsized. And today it all came up. And then out at the Father's feet. Lean in. Feel it. Release it. It's February. It's Superbowl Sunday. This year will be different. February will be redeemed. A year ago, I didn't understand how I'd make it. But I here. I made it.

My very own D Day. divorce day The judge "dissolved" the marriage. Like adding salt to hot water. Like it's nothing. It's the final nail in the coffin. a funeral closure As much closure as I'll get. But I'm not buried in that coffin. And I won't go dig it up. It's done.

It's October. I usually love this time of year. Just doesn't feel the same. I was high from not feeling so low. And now I've come down. reality And I just feel shitty. tired heavy blah I'm still good. happy grateful excited But reality. I've got a long ways to go. I'm learning when to let go. or lean in or lay down trust and patience This is my character building.

I started school today. And things felt fresh. refreshing new Then driving home I remembered. I don't have anyone to share this journey with. It's just me. So here I am. Sharing how today brought me joy. hope. excitement. Today I remembered. Scattered memories. The good ones. But my body feels it. in my bones A dull ache. I'm learning to let go. Let it all go. There's no wishing it away. Can't go there. This is a part of me. These memories are in my bones.